There are many unanswered questions in life. For example: Why did the CIA kill Kennedy? Does Bigfoot really exist? When will they ever stop making Star Trek sequels?
Deep, philosophic questions are a part of human nature. They’ve been with us from the beginning of time, and they’ll stay with us until the end
[Editor’s note: It’s not as though I have any authority on this matter, but I had you going, didn’t I? Besides, you’ve read this far, so keep going.]So, I was pondering what our existence on this planet really means: I was reading the latest issue of Weekly World News. There was an article that claimed the end of the world was coming, or something like that (It’s not as though they ever have these on a regular basis). I didn’t quite get a chance to finish the article, as it was my turn to check out and I wasn’t going to waste $1.25 to see how aliens are controlling some lady’s life (or something absurd like that).
Then, like a ton of bricks, it hit me. One simple question sparked this whole phenomenon (or streak of insanity, depending on how you look at it). The one question that no human has ever been able to answer: Paper or Plastic?
I looked at the bagger with pure amazement and said, “I purchased one banana, I think I can carry it out.”
With an undying determination to bag something, he looked at me and asked, “Are you sure?”
Surprised (if that’s the right word), I responded, “Quite sure, thanks.”
As though I were some nut case, he turned away, rolling his eyes, and said, “Well, OK then. If you insist.”
I continued on my way, as though nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. But, I knew something just wasn’t right with my grocery store episode.
Anyway, I continued pondering our existence and made a list of questions that the greatest minds have been unable to answer, so far anyway.
Without any further adieu, here it goes:
- Why is there always a bald guy in line in front of me at the barber shop?
- 25 in the fast lane, what’s that all about?
- If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, how do we know it really fell?
- If a train leaves the station at 9:30 a.m. traveling at 40 m.p.h. and another train leaves the same station at 10:00 a.m. traveling at 60 m.p.h., wouldn’t there be a big accident?
- Why is there always somebody who thinks they can make a left-handed turn from the far right lane?
- Why is there always someone who can’t distinguish the brake from the gas pedal?
- Tastes great or less filling?
- Why do you want to see my driver’s license with my check? (They’re both fake)
- How come there is always somebody else out on the road, no matter what time it is? Where are they going?
- What does “Everybody Wang Chung tonight” really mean?
- Is it really ironic?
- If it is half past the hour, then is it still five o’clock somewhere?
- Has Bono found what he’s looking for yet? (It’s been 12 years now)
- Why can’t I bring 2 carry-ons with me when I fly, but some lady can bring 86 shopping bags with her?
- How come some guy can walk through an airport metal detector with 60 keys, yet manage not to set it off and the zipper on my jacket sets it off?
- Why do people take cigarette breaks from exercising?
- How is something free if you want my credit card number?
- If I really just won a million dollars, then where is my check?
- Seriously, where is the beef?
So there you have it. I’m not sure if this is exactly what you were looking for—maybe you thought you had an actual fax coming; I’m not sure. These are just a few questions that I came up with in my quest to understand life. I know there are a lot more of them out there. The strange, outlandish, and generally unanswerable occurrences that happen on a daily basis.
I guess this is what keeps life interesting or at least provides us with a few laughs every now and then.
Who really knows the answers to the greatest questions in life? Maybe no one. Maybe we’ll never know the answers…or maybe we really just don’t want to know (and don’t know it, that is‑).
Published March 29, 1999, in The Denisonian of Denison University.